Another letter to my babies..

Dear Little J and R,

We are already at week 24 of my pregnancy. My stomach is getting bigger by the day because you both are growing so well. R likes to kick me at the ribs and J likes to kick me in the bladder. You both seem to have a rave party at different times of the day especially even more so when I am desperate to rest. Headaches occur almost everyday now, and the discomfort in the left ribs area really makes it hard for me to sleep at night. Tell you something funny, when we went for our detailed scan during week 20, we were told that we were expecting 2 princesses. Apparently R decided that he wouldn't show his penis to the sonographer until week 23 when we went for another scan. I hope the J still remains a girl because we have too many pink clothes already! By the way, my sister, your aunt, is getting married on 6th Jan. I hope that you both can stay in my tummy until after the wedding. Please don't come out any earlier otherwise we cannot go. Mummy and your aunt will be very disappointed.

Alright, mummy's headache is returning again, am going to get some rest. Just want to let you both know that I love you both so much so much, and although people say that being pregnant is the best thing that happened to them, they really didn't tell me how difficult it was going to be. =)

xoxo,
Mummy

18 weeks and counting..

Pardon the lack of posts. I had been trying to deal with mild levels of depression coupled with days of extreme laziness and found no motivation to blog at all.

Yes, we are at week 18, going to 19. Let's first talk about some of the changes that happened over the past few weeks.

1. Obvious tummy growth. I think my 2 babies went through a growth spurt and it's pretty evident now I'm pregnant. I no longer look like I ate too many pies and have a fat stomach. It's nicely rounded and I proudly stick it out at every opportunity I get.

2. Breast changes. The aerolas seem to have a mind of its own and have decided to expand in size. Someone from the facebook group told me that the nipples will expand and darken as the pregnancy progresses. This is to make the nipples more obvious for the baby and make it easier to latch. (not too sure how true it is, but it kinda makes sense.)

3. Stretch marks. I am beginning to see the formation of some new battle scars. They look angry and red, but to me, they are a reminder of what I am going through and in future, what I've been through in order to have these 2 babies.

4. Change in appetite. I keep feeling that foods either taste too salty or too sweet and it puts me off. I like my food bland and as complicated as possible for now. This is good news for R as he need not drive around the whole of Singapore to satisfy my weird cravings.

5. Morning sickness returns with a vengeance. I no longer am able to brush my teeth in the mornings without first puking out an obscene amount of orange-jy bile. There I'll spend at least a good whole minute trying to compose myself while willing the stomach not to hurl. I'll be heaving and puffing like a blowfish while clutching my stomach and feeling ultra shitty.

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I think that's about the changes for the past few weeks. I meant to post up a decent pic of my tummy (fully clothe) but am lazy to transfer the picture over, so I gotta wait till I'm in the mood then I shall do it.
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So the night before I woke up a few times feeling extreme cramps in my lower abdomen area and I honestly thought I had very bad urinary infection or what. It got so bad I wasn't able to walk and would have to sit and wait for it to subside. The tummy would also feel rock hard at the same time and I would simply rub a few times thinking that the baby is stretching or what. Little did I know that the pain I felt was contractions and it's a sign of early labour. Prof was pretty shocked that I waited 2 hours to see him when I should have just gone to A&E straight. But honestly, how was I to know those crampy feelings were in fact contractions? I mean, I have not had babies before, so I wouldn't even know what labour feels like. Hehehe.. So anyway, I am on Adalat 10mg twice a day + had a jab so I think I should be fine. Bed rest for the next few days again, but I did tell the doctor that I have to go shopping first week of October so he's willing to compromise on that if I promise to bed rest after. =) Gosh, just when I thought I have the green light to go out and 'hiao', I have to stay in bed again. This pregnancy is so full of mini surprises! Ok, the Adalat seems to be making me sleepy, so am off to use the Baby Plus and nap.

I will touch on the BabyPlus on my next post. In the meantime, do take care readers!

xoxo,

J.

Choosing the right gynae...

... can bring you peace and joy so that you can fully enjoy being pregnant while knowing that you're being cared for by the right person.


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This post came about because as you all already know, I have had a tough week 9 - week 13 of my pregnancy. I have been in and out of the hospital sometimes 2x a week and been hospitalised twice for the 'unexplained heavy bleeding'.

When I got pregnant and went to see Dr Sadhana, I was told since she does not do deliveries, she will recommend me to see her other colleague who does, Dr Matthew Lau. Now, before I proceed, please note that I am not condemning anyone in this post or saying anyone is incompetent. So I started my follow ups with Dr Lau. During the week 9 of my pregnancy, I started spotting followed by heavy bleeding which soaked through my panties. Of course the first few times it happened, I was pretty sure I was going to lose my babies. Doctors at KKH also termed this as threatened miscarriage. It was an emotional roller coaster for me those weeks and I prayed often, remembering God's promises to me. There will be no loss. My babies are warriors of God and will be a testament that God is all together mighty and powerful and that nothing can stand in His way if this is His will to give me these 2 wonderful miracles. I wished I had followed my heart's instinct and insisted a little more forcibly to my husband when I felt I should seek a second opinion. But R said we should continue with KKH because they already have my records and medical history so trying to be obedient, I listened.

It got to the point where I saw the huge blood clots I was passing out one visit to the hospital that made me absolutely resolute to see another doctor. I prayed asking God for wisdom in choosing one and then logged on to google. I came across a number of posts about Prof Biswas from NUH so I wasted no time in calling them to fix an appointment. I was due to see them on the 18th August. On the morning of that Saturday, we sent Bella over to my parent's place and then headed to NUH. We were being registered fairly quickly and the waiting time was about half an hour. It's a lot shorter than KKH and I liked the surroundings plus I had a nice sofa seat so I was comfortable. When it was my turn, we went in to a doc who looks very assuring and knowledgeable. I started off by telling him about my ivf and current situation and he immediately told us we could narrow the problem to 2 main causes. One is if the bleeding occurs outside the cervix, it can be solved very easily. The other is, if the bleeding don't come from outside the cervix, means it most likely came from the placenta, which to him, is more worrying. He then told us he will do an internal examination to access if there is any possible factors causing this bleeding. Note that I have not told him about the polyp found during the last visit to KKH. He inserted that awful thingy and opened me up and peered between my legs. OK, I know it's a lot of info, but I am sure some of you are reading this because you are preggy or going to be preggy and hence wanna know more. So I shall not hide gory details lest you think pregnancy is all ponies and unicorns. He peered in and saw the polyp and said that although it's small, it might be the cause of the bleeding. I didn't believe him at first, until he started to swab the polyp with gauze and each time he took them out, it will be soaked with blood. Imagine this was just from swiping at the polyp area. Prof Biswas then went on to explain that the polyp is a vestibular polyp so it's kind of linked to the blood vessels, hence each time it's irritated, it bleeds a fair bit. And if the blood does not come out, then it will coagulate and clot inside me, so of course I will be passing out clots!

He then continued to remove the polyp which was quick and painless but not comfortable. He also mentioned that there will be some slight bleeding for the next few days after the bleeding and he was right too. I'm still spotting a little here and there, but at least the blood is those brownish blood which I presume are old blood. I felt super at ease with this doctor and learnt more about my babies in one consultation than all the previous ones I have been to in KKH. He addressed my problems without mincing his words and likes to focus on the now and asked me not to think too far ahead. One problem at a time. Bottom line is, I like this doctor and I think he is assuring and knowledgeable. I will be seeing him again this coming Monday for a follow up and then update you guys again.

Onto happier stuff, there will be a couple of baby sales in Oct! Yay! This means shopping for all of us!!

Going to stop here. Hungry liao.

xoxo,

J.

Random thoughts..

1. I was doing some cleaning together with my mum's domestic helper in my house when I stepped into what I call the 'Tsunami Room'. It's currently a holding area for all sorts of nonsense I cannot be bothered to find a permanent place to store away nicely. I had half a mind to get down to it and start throwing away stuff and preparing the room for baby's arrival, but the mind is willing, my flesh is oh so weak. So I did what I a pregnant lady should do, shake my head, sigh and walk away. Hahaha.

2. I miss the quiet and the tranquillity of my own place in Punggol. I didn't have to put up with Jackye's (he's our family dog residing at my parent's place, who barks at almost anyone/everyone who walks by my house. Lucky for us, my parent's house is the 2nd last unit.) crazy sudden barks which also makes me jump and my heart race and his and Bella's rag fights. Essentially, it's 2 dogs playing tug-a-war with the kitchen floor rags and this always drives Rebecca, our domestic helper, absolutely nuts so she starts screaming at them and then... more noise. I only miss the fact that I only need to ask for food and she will bring it to me without having me to walk too much, hence the much needed 'bed rest'.

3. I keep hearing the screams of children (and their parents screaming back at them) coming from my neighbours and thank God I have 6 more months of peace and sanity before it's my turn.

4. I am looking at the fan, wondering if I should take it apart to wash. Then I remembered, I have the trump card to being absolutely lazy. Doc said I should be on bed rest, so... yippee!! One more thing to ask the husband to do. (especially since Monday is a public holiday)

5. I am thinking of publishing this post while ending it abruptly so I can go and take a nap. Seems like a perfect weather for one since it just rained and it's still nice and cool.

6. I am thinking if I should play Bingo on my ipad while abruptly publishing this post and then lying on my bed since it just rained and it's still nice and cool. Heh.

7. I am wondering if my stomach is going to get so big, I will be unable to see the steps of the stairs if I am going down.

8. Thank God or no more nausea, but hello to freaking indigestion!

9. I really think the sounds of the bus rumbling to the bus stop is super annoying and I wish I was smart enough to not choose a unit facing the road.

10. I love it when Bella squeezes herself next to me. She simply loves me so much she has to literally stick to my body.

11. I love the smell of fresh laundry. Really.. To the extend of buying any products named 'Fresh Linen'

12. I like the smell of rice. The uncooked ones. It brings back memories of my childhood where you can buy any amount of rice you require at the provision shop and it's just stored in the same gunny sacks it comes in. I always loved going to the back of the shop just to linger around the rice and smell it.

13. I hate it when my shit is too hard to be passed out without my bursting several vessels while getting a seizure from contorting my face or body so as to get the right angle for it to come out without tearing my a-hole.

14. Today is the first day of the 7th Lunar month. It's supposed to be a month where the Hungry Ghosts come out to find food. Scared already?

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Seriously ending this post abruptly. Don't even wanna include pictures this time round. I'm preggy and am emotional and I just don't feel like it. :)

xoxo,

J.

A letter to my babies.

Dear babies,

When you are old enough, mummy will show both of you this blog. This is mummy and daddy's journey to having the both of you as our children. I hope, that after reading this, you know that it is out of so much love from the both of us, that we welcome you to our family.

For some people, having babies is as easy as counting 1,2,3. It was not the case for us. We have tried everything within our capabilities, and yet after many months of constant disappointment and tears we have decided to seek external help. It wasn't easy. Doctor said mummy has PCOS. It means that I don't ovulate every month.If I don't ovulate, there's no target for daddy's sperms to swim to. So I was given medication to ovulate. This medication was said to cause ovarian cancer if taken for a long duration, but I was not scared. I only thought of the present, which is to ovulate so that mummy can be pregnant (if daddy's sperm reaches the target). Mummy had to go through so many rounds of blood test and internal examinations, each even more uncomfortable than the last. But I pushed on, because I wanted you. Doctors gave me more medication and those medication made me put on even more weight. I was nauseous and constantly had hot flushes and fainting spells, but it didn't stop me. Each month I would pray that this is it, I will be pregnant, but when my period came, I would sit on the toilet and shed tears of frustration and helplessness. People said I should try tcm. So I tried. We queued for hours to see a sinseh. I was given packets of herbs to bring home. Bach home, I boiled herbs which tasted bitter and unpleasant. I drank all of it telling myself that the herbs might help, that it was the cure to whatever infertility problem I had. At the hospital, Daddy had to provide sperm samples for analysis and it was very unpleasant for him to have to do it. But still, we didn't give up. We held hands and we pushed on, with daddy encouraging me whenever I felt like giving up.

Eventually the doctor said we should try IUI. It is a procedure where the doctor inserts daddy's sperm into mummy's cervix and hope they will swim as fast as they can to fertilise the egg. Still, it didn't work. Doctor said I was ready to proceed with more invasive methods. This led us to IVF. We didn't have much time to really digest this idea because my period came within the next week and we had to start the treatment on day 2 of my period. Mummy had to go through half a month or so of injections. I would not be honest if I said it didn't hurt. I had bruises all over my tummy, I was bloated and was tired all the time. But I prayed very hard. I asked God to be with me every step of the way. I leaned on God. He and daddy were my strength. Your Lola and Gong Gong were very nice to mummy. They wanted me to eat right, so they asked me to move back home so that they could take care of me. I am after all, their precious daughter and they must love me as much as I love you both. I would snuggle in bed with your Lola and tell her how painful the injections are. But I kept telling her and myself that as long as I can be pregnant, all this will be worth it. Maybe it had been God's plan all this while, for me to be pregnant with twins, hence leading me to IVF. I rested in everybody's love, especially in God's love, knowing that God is holding my hand and guiding me though this treatment. After the doctor extracted the eggs, they fertilised it with daddy's sperm and put it back to me. They showed us the 2 little embryos to be inserted into me. I thought you were so cute already and I loved you right from the beginning. I prayed that if God didn't want this pregnancy to happen, then I wouldn't be pregnant and then have to go through a miscarriage. Then I got greedy. I told God I couldn't bear losing any of you, so I prayed and prayed and prayed. But I knew that it is God's will and not mine. So I believed. I believed it will happen. I talked to both of you everyday, sending positive thoughts and hoping you both will stick. And as God would allow, I got pregnant with the both of you.

Everybody around us celebrated the pregnancy. But this pregnancy is not without any struggles. I puked and spent time with my head in the toilet vomiting. I suffered from indigestion, pimples outbreak and even more weight gain. But I am happy. I am very happy as I am typing this letter to you. Today, we celebrate the 12th week of my pregnancy. We have made it this far babies. My only hope for you both now is that you will be strong and healthy and grow as well as you possibly can. Know that all of us love you both so much already and we cannot wait for the day we can hold you in our arms.

I look forward to seeing you little ones on the 10th. Say hi to mummy and daddy while we peek into your little world. Show me your kicks and flips and somersaults. Show off to daddy and mummy and make us laugh, we love seeing you move around while being scanned. Once again, I love you both so much, and I haven't met you yet. But the day will soon come and you will read this e-letter. And you will know that we love you so much already.

- J.

The joys and woes of pregnancy.

"A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside.  When a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone."

I don't know who else is still reading my blog as I had been too lazy and tired to blog frequently. I'm on bed rest, yet again. This is because on Monday night I had heavy bleeding which landed me in the 24hrs O&G. I was given an injection and told to rest at home. On Tuesday morning, I woke up to pee and had fresh red blood coming out of me instead. This time I was less hysterical and told myself to stay calm for the babies. R took urgent leave from work and rushed over to mum's place to bring me back to the hospital. I was trying to remain calm but broke down when the doctor on duty said this was a threatened miscarriage. I think it's the word miscarriage or the mere thought of losing my babies that really freaked me out. I cannot put in words the kind of fear I felt, but I can only tell you that at that point, I was close to losing my composure. I kept sending good loving thoughts to babies and told them that I love them so so much and that I cannot handle it if they were to leave me. This probably helped, because despite the bleeding, they continue to have strong heartbeats and during the viability scan, they were dancing in the water bag and putting on a great show for us. One even seemed to wave at us as if to say "look mummy, we are fine! Don't you worry!" The happiness I felt when seeing their heartbeats and moving around is so great I felt as if nothing could touch us.

I was asked to lie in bed and was only given toilet privilege. Bleeding continued but i seemed to taper off and got lesser. I was actually enjoying my stay until, in the middle of the night, another patient was wheeled into the bed beside me. Apparently she is having a miscarriage and was losing her baby as her body is expelling it out of her. It was traumatising to hear the conversations between her and the doctor which because it's so loud I could hear snippets of it. Some of it included "oh, let me see the clot, it could be the water bag." Ok, FML. I really didn't need to hear such things, not when I am trying to assure myself that THAT wouldn't be happening to me. No way cause my babies and I are fighters and we will push on!

But looking at the bright side, during this visit to the hospital, I was scanned everyday so I got to see babies everyday for quite a while. It's because they have to do very detailed scans to ensure that the babies are fine. I was so happy to see that babies have grown so much! I could already see the outline of their bodies and visible hands and legs which seem to kick and move around so often! Regardless of what time the scan is, babies are always moving. So I am holding on to the reassurance I am getting from both of them. It's like they are saying "mummy, daddy, we're ok. Look we're moving! This always brings a smile to my face knowing that they are fine. My papi was so excited that he kept wanting to see the scan pictures. He took great delight in seeing their little hands and legs and kept saying the one who's moving more is definitely a boy and the more chillax one is definitely a girl. R and I also have the same feeling, because the more active one was the one who waved and put on a great show for us during scans. We concluded that he will be the more mischievous one and will be my favourite. R said the chillax one will be his favourite because she will be quiet and easy to handle. Hahaha. I said that the chillax one might bore me, so I definitely will have more fun with the active one. But we shall see. I love them both so much equally I am amazed that it is even possible with me. I know its a bit too early to read to them but I have since started so that they know their mummy is always with them. I took out my old "Childcraft encyclopedia" which has nursery rhymes to read to the babies. This is my first and last set of encyclopedia which I love so much which was given to me by my daddy, who would have bought me everything in the world I ask for if he had the means. His gift to me is a gift of reading, which helped me greatly because I never needed to study hard for English as the language itself came naturally to me. I hope that this will also be a gift for my children as they grow so they would learnt to love books as much as I do.

We'll be going for the OSCAR scan on the 10th August and before that will be seeing Dr Lau probably to follow up on the bleeding episode. I hope by then everything will be ok already and I can fully enjoy myself at the scan. I only pray for healthy babies at this point of time, which is really all I ask from God now. So God, if you are also reading this, please please please answer my prayer by ensuring the safety of the two babies in me. Thanks!

- J.

I miss working, I miss my old life..

Things have been going pretty smoothly for the past few weeks. I only vomit occasionally and appetite is less crazy than before. Now the only thing I don't feel right is that I am not working. I have to say, I'm pretty damn spoilt for someone as lucky as me. I receive a 'salary' from my husband every month for taking care of the house (which now I don't, because I am staying at mum's place and living it up like a queen.) and I basically need not lift a finger to do a single household chores. Yet, I am desperately dying to get back to work. This is very ironic, when people are working, they wish they can be resting at home. When you are too free at home, you feel you should go out and work. LOL. Can never be satisfied.

Anyway, I am now in my 10th week of my pregnancy and am feeling very good except for the large outbreak of pimples on my face and body. I've been trying to do everything I can to prevent more from coming up, but it seems whatever I do does not work at all. I cannot wait till my 2nd trimester. Hopefully things will get better then. :)

Next scan is on 10th August. It is our OSCAR scan and R will be there with me. Thank God he was able to take leave that day! I cannot wait to see our 2 little babies and hopefully they be good and put on a show for mama!

Will update more again!

xoxo,

J.

Arhh choo!!

It had been raining on and off a few days back. In between battling morning sickness and constant fatigue, I now have to battle the FLU. I must have gotten myself sick when I got caught in the rain last Saturday. It was raining heavily and I got wet.

Now I am sleepy, flu-ey and really grouchy. I'm probably just going through a really rough patch of this pregnancy, but I am still thankful I get to enjoy this process. I know I shouldn't complain, because if I compare myself to someone who has been trying for a baby for a long time, I am waaaay luckier than them. It's just that I didn't know pregnancy could be this difficult, especially when you are carrying twins. I am just really glad that my hormones seem to have decided to work out among themselves and I am beginning to feel less bloated and miserable. I am still breaking out and so can't wait to see the doctor on Monday and ask him for medication for the pimples. I am also wondering if there's still a need for me to continue with the Progesterone, so we'll see how that goes.

In between receiving good news from friends and forum mates that they are pregnant, I am also seeing the failures of some friends and forum mates. To you guys, I just wanna tell you this, "Don't ever give up. So you fail once, you try again. You fail a second time, you try again. You keep trying till you finally have your baby in your arms and you don't give up. Nobody said this journey is easy. But if having a baby is what you really want, don't let your past failures put you down. Chin up, prep your body better and keep trying. You try till the point where the doctors say there's nothing more they can do for you, and even then, try naturally. While trying, keep praying and believing. Practise affirmations, telling yourself that you will be pregnant." Picture yourself holding a beautiful baby. You'll be surprised how our minds work.

I leave you with this today,

Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act. - Psalm 37:5,7

Shalom my friends,

J.

Here I am.. 8 weeks and counting..

I'm not going to find any excuses for myself so I'm just going to be honest and say that I have been really lazy and tired and depressed so I can't bring myself to blog lately.

Let's address these issues 1 by 1.

Lazy - I've quit my job to go for IVF and since then I have been very busy bumming around. I think it will do much good for me to work but guess no one would take on a pregnant lady carrying twins. So we're back to square 1 and watching tv and lazing in bed, ALL DAY.

Tired - Questionable, but you see, I wake up 2 - 3 times a night just to pee. And sometimes when I wake up, I will be ovecome by a hunger too much to ignore so I have to go find food, which will lead to eating and then trying to get to sleep. I am also wrecked with weird dreams, sometimes nightmares and then I will find it hard to sleep again. But if I were to nap in the day time, then I won't be able to sleep at night, so yes, it is a vicous cycle.

Depressed - I never had a worst breakout in my entire life. I now have pimples on my cheeks, my forehead, my neck, my shoulders and my back. It's like I am having all the pimples I was supposed to have in my teens now, when I am pregnant. I look forward to the days where I can face myself in the mirror again.

Enough of being depressed, moving onto to cheerful news. A couple of people in my life that I know of are alo pregnant! I am so happy for them and am glad to know these girls because then our babies can be playdates! It's really a different feeling when bonding with another mum to be, especially if you were already friends before. It brings you to another closeness in your friendship as you share all the gory details of pregnancy.

I'm going to abruptly end my post because I have to go prepare dinner. I told my family that I will prepare something wonderful for them, actually I'm just going to prepare steamboat. Hahaha, zero cooking on my part!

Talk to you all soon. I'll be back with some cool good to know info next.

xoxo,

J.

Happy news!

I had my first scan yesterday. This could probably be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. It is so difficult to put to words the emotions that ran through me when I saw my babies inside me for the first time. At first the sonographer was unable to locate the babies' heartbeats. After a while of prodding and moving around, she managed to see the flicker which was to be their heartbeat. I was so relieved and felt so sure that this pregnancy will be viable and I will soon be one of those mummies carrying their babies happily. I actually teared during the scan because I have waited so long for this and I thank God I am finally able to experience motherhood.

For now, my body is no longer just mine. It belongs to my two babies as well. My two babies who will be relying on me to provide them with the necessary nutrients needed for their growth. I cannot wait for them to grow bigger so we get to see more. I will be switching doctors very soon because Dr Sadhana does not do deliveries so I will be seeing Dr Matthew Lau instead in 3 weeks time. R was very nice to have paid for the scans upfront so I need not worry about paying for it each time I go for my checkups. Dr Sadhana said that my pregnancy is considered high risk because I am carrying 2, and that no sex for the whole duration of the pregnancy is allowed. Haha. Imagine the look on R's face when she said that. I also do not have clearance for travel and was told to 'stay put'. I am willing to do anything it takes to ensure the well being of my babies so I will need to find something else to do for the next... 8 months.

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In terms of symptoms wise, my morning sickness comes and goes. I think I am one of the few lucky ones who don't suffer too much. Dr Sadhana said it might get worst as the pregnancy progresses, but we shall see. :) I have mild constipation now as well, I used to be able to have a smooth morning shit, but lately, it has gone all hay wired so I am drinking loads of water hopefully to counter it. Boobies still hurt but not as much, stomach seems to be bloated still and I have since gone off pork completely. I crave for orange juice and fruits. I now love apples and sometimes crave for oranges as well. That's really weird. I wonder if it's my body telling me I need more Vitamin C. I have also been having some headaches on and off and I sometimes sleep so that I need not take any painkillers. Small sacrifices, I keep reminding myself.

Right now, I am wishing for the weather to be less warm and cooler so I don't feel so irritated easily. Time to take a nap, I'll catch up with you all again soon.

xoxo,

J.

Pai seh Pai seh...

Sorry for the lack of updates. I have been very tired and busy resting. Interesting update tomorrow. Please stay tune!

xoxo,

J.

Today I am a happy girl!

Earlier I met Jie, Jiefu and R for dinner at Wang Dae Bak restaurant located in Amoy Street. I feel so full now but I can tell you this, every piece of carbo and protein that was ingested is simply worth it! I especially love love love their seafood pancake! It's so tasty with huge chunks of sotong, prawns and I think I spotted small oysters. Whatever, it's simply yum! My only problem with this place is that the chopsticks really suck. It's those flat ones that are simply a bitch to use and it's very difficult to 'kiap' your food with it. I ended up using my spoon as it was much simpler and I made less of a mess.

Before meeting the boys for dinner, Jie and I went to Mothercare at Marina Square to buy maternity bras. I know it's very early, but my breasts are now huge and I am so afraid they will sag! The sales person was very helpful and told me I should buy a slightly bigger cup, enough to fit 1 palm so it gives the bra more mileage as my breasts will continue to grow. *faints* So I bought my bras in 38C so that I will be able to wear them for a long long time. The good thing about the bras are that they are so comfy and soft and they provide my breasts with enough support and can be used if I am nursing as well. It costs about $40 plus per bra. I think I paid about $90 plus for 2. It should be enough for now. I'm going to find something else to buy to chock up to $300 so I can get membership. I will then be entitled to 10% off regular priced items! Yippee! One of the cots that I really like costs about $900. But they are high and sturdy so I might consider that in about 5 months time. Heheh. I also saw a pram I like, which is a twin baby facing pram. Instead of it being side by side, the babies will be placed neatly one in front of the other. It will cost us about $1000. I also saw some really cute rocker thingy and I think I will ask my friends and Rick friend's to pool in money to buy that for our baby shower, because we are buying for 2!! I haven't even started buying and already I am hyperventilating. God will provide, God will provide, says my jie. I am going to start believing that too. He wouldn't give me anything I cannot handle, so THANK YOU GOD for all you blessings to me now!

So I was being smug about not having much symptoms, guess what? I peed like mad the whole of last night and today. I peed at 10.30pm, 11.30pm, 1 plus am, 3 plus am, 5 plus am and finally, 8 plus where I had to poo and pee. TMI I know. But wouldn't it be better to know the ugly truth? I already said pregnancy isn't all glam so be prepared. Ok, I'm starting to yawn already and R is here to stay with me today at my parent's place. I miss having him around to pamper me and I am going to cherish every minute we have now. Will blog again either tomorrow or Sunday. In the meantime, take care you all. Drink more water and elevate those hips!

xoxo,

J.

How being pregnant changes you...

From the day you realise that you are pregnant, a lot of changes are happening within you. It is not just the fact that your body is busy at work trying to accommodate a growing baby but rather more on how your mind changes to prepare yourself for the upcoming arrival of your baby.

I found myself one such person. I never used to worry about the things I eat. I loved eating fast foods and all things made from cheese and pasta. I was selfish and wouldn't really take care of my body until I decided that I wanted to try and have a baby. When I decided to go ahead with IVF, I made sure I wasn't putting rubbish into my mouth and took note of what I ate. I made sure that I ate healthily and now that I am finally pregnant, I find myself a lot more careful with what I eat.

I am sure that many mothers will be able to relate the same way. It's like, one moment you are doing things for yourself, for your happiness, for your fun and the next moment,you think twice in everything you do and put your baby first. You no longer want to do things that will potentially harm your growing baby, so you stop smoking, or drinking or doing bungee jumping. Your baby's health and well being is constantly at the top of your mind. You worry about whether he or she is growing well. Are you eating well for both of you? You worry about whether lying on your stomach will harm your baby, or even squash it. No reassurance from anybody else is ever enough. You just worry. If you are like me, I am sure we belong to the majority of others who cannot stop worrying. When my mum knew I was in KKH because of the cramps, she was very worried. She kept calling my helper every half an hour to find out the status and when she knew I was alright, she was so relieved she wanted to cry. This is my mum. And I am 28. She still worries and I know, that will be me in a few months time.

I have learnt to lean very heavily on God for this whole journey. From the IVF to my current pregnancy. Without God, I will not be able to be so relaxed and calm about this. He has taught me to remember his promises and that when he gives you a present, He will not give you one that is already broken. He gives you the best and that is our God. It is very difficult at times especially when our faith is tested, but I find being around people who are the same believers of your religion helps you to keep up the faith. I still worry at times, but I find assurance in God and I believe that He is with my babies and is helping them to grow well in my womb. Knowing this helps me to be able to function with my daily activities and not be crippled by my fears.

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So I was woken up from my afternoon nap by a phone call from KKH. They wanted to reschedule my appointment from Thursday to Tuesday as they were quite overbooked on Thursday. I am hoping that we are able to hear our babies' heartbeat so that we know everything is well and happening as it should be. R is going to ask his boss if he is able to take some time off because this is equally important to him as well. This is our first pregnancy and we have waited so long for this. No way he is going to miss out on this. I think I am one of the few mothers who don't really experience nausea and horrible morning sickness. I do pee a lot more often, which I attributed to the hormones and the fact that I am drinking more than usual. I do have really sore boobs, but because they have grown larger and look so beautiful, it's a good exchange. I sleep a lot more and feel tired by 10pm even though I have napped a few hours ago. Other than that, I am beginning to feel a lot better and I think I am going to start going for evening walks starting from today!

I'm beginning to really miss staying at home with R. I miss having him around but I know that once the pregnancy is stable then I will move back to my own place. In the meantime, I shall continue being queen at my parents' place! Just to add on, I came across this website showing you the ultrasound scans of your baby in the first trimester. Cool shit! Go check it out. http://www.baby2see.com/development/ultrasound_sonogram/first_trimester_scans.html#week6
xoxo,

J.

Things to eat or not to eat..

A while ago, one of my readers asked for a list of food to eat or avoid during IVF or TTC-ing. I can't say I am an expert on it, but this will be a short summary on what you can eat or should stock up on.

IVF - During Stimulation (Things to eat)

• Egg whites, or rather, protein. You can eat it in the form of egg whites or Immunucol. - http://www.immunocal.com/ Personally, I think if you are on a budget, you can just egg whites. I eat them soft boiled with a bit of dark soy sauce and pepper, 4 eggs in the morning and 4 in the evening. I know some people said to stay away from soy or soy products but honestly I don't see how half a teaspoon would harm you. I ate it like this everyday and still got pregnant. What I think is not consuming it in large portions like drinking soya bean milk everyday. I think for soya bean milk, it contains estrogen which probably does not help in conceiving. You can google more about estrogen to read up more on it.
• Fish, yet another source of protein.
• Longan Red Date Tea. It supposedly helps to warm your womb and make it a condusive environment for your eggs to implant in. Your womb needs to be warm for implantation to occur.
• Grapefruit juice. Some people take it to prep their lining. You can buy those ready made ones in the supermarket, but I prefer to squeeze it directly into my glass of freshly made juice.
• Essence of chicken. If you have time, you can buy a whole chicken and do it yourself. However, it can be quite time consuming and tedious so I just drink the ready made one from Brands.
• Most fruits and vegetables except for pineapple and watermelon as they are considered cooling.

IVF - After ET

• Durians. If you can stomach the taste of it. Apparently it helped quite a few girls to conceive. I ate them every other day and drank lots of water to prevent my body from being too heaty.
• Egg whites still. It apparently helps to prevent bloating and cramps. Normally after egg retrieval, women suffer from OHSS and their stomach can get really bloated. Loads of egg whites and water helps.
• LRD tea and chicken essence. As above.

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To be honest, I didn't really take too much notice of what I ate because I felt that it is important to eat in moderation. I had a friend who went through IVF and did not have coffee at all for the 1 month and totally abstained from chilli. But she still did not get pregnant, so I think it boils down to rest and being relaxed during the 2 weeks wait. Personally, I didn't spend too much time obsessing over each and every symptom because I did not want to stress myself that way. So I ate what I wanted and if it was unhealthy, I ate a teeny bit just to satisfy my craving. I was happy and took the 2 week wait as a mini holiday and relaxed, watched tv, slept and did absolutely nothing. I caught up on my readings and went to forums to chat with other ladies who were experiencing the same thing as me. I really cannot emphasise how important it is to relax and keep your mind away from thinking too much. I think this, and God helped get me pregnant. :)

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Today I ordered KFC because I was dying for something greasy and unhealthy. I kept thinking of how mean I am to my babies, but I am allowed to indulge every once in a while right? Symptoms wise, well, apart from yesterday night's puking episode, I did not experience any morning sickness. I was tired and had minor cramps in the afternoon but the cramps have been coming on less and less. My breasts still hurt and itch so I think the skin is stretching around it. I'm taking care of them by putting on moisturiser but I hope I don't end u in stretch marks. They have grown quite a bit and I'm quite happy with them. Mum says it'll get bigger so I shouldn't get a maternity bra soon. However, I am looking at some bras from the brand Bravado, which was recommended by my cousin. When I am ready, I will buy and give you guys a review on it as compared to the ones available at Mothercare.

Watching Walking Dead now. Will be back tomorrow with new updates.

xoxo,

J.

Major scare today..

I woke up with really bad cramps yesterday and decided to wait it out. The cramps did not get better by this morning and I decided to make the trip to KKH 24hrs O&G clinic. I had a major scare when the doctor on duty did a preliminary scan and said she does not know the dark spot on the screen is fluid or a sac. I was wheeled into an area to lie down and rest while they arranged for an urgent scan at the Diagnostic Imaging Centre. The whole time while I was waiting, I was restless and worried and did not stop praying. I kept telling God to keep my baby/babies safe with me and that I cannot handle any loss. When it was finally my turn to go in, I was already almost in tears and the scan technician told me that they do not do a verbal review and that I would be given a report much later. This means that she can be scanning away and I wouldn't know what is going on. Imagine my fear the entire time lying down there.

Finally I was wheeled back to the rest area and waited for the doctor to explain my report. Well, I wouldn't want to comment too much on the scan results for now, but let's just say that doctor does not find anything serious at this point and I have to go for my heartbeat scan next week to confirm everything. I cannot say how relieved I am hearing the news and am glad that my HCG levels are around the range of 2700+. I couldn't remember the exact amount because I was just too happy that everything is ok.
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I happily made my way home and rested. I didn't really feel like going to the forum today and will keep this post short. I also just came upstairs to my parents' room because my dad was trying to open some durians and 1 of it was rotten. I could smell the rot before everyone and started puking in the bin. This made me feel pregnant again and I am glad to embrace all the symptoms! Am feeling a little warm and feverish so will end the post now.

See you all ladies soon! Next post will be on what kind of food to avoid and eat more of!

xoxo,

J.

Lazy..

This is something similar to what I have been doing over the weekend. Except, I don't I curlers in my hair, but yes. You get the drift. Pregnancy seems to sap whatever remaining energy you have and when you are not sleeping, you are feeling hungry. Add on to the fact that your stomach bloats bigger and bigger throughout the day, the chances of acid reflux of heart burn increases. Gaviscon is also added to my list of best friends now.

I am fully prepared to embrace the whole pregnancy thing, that is if I can manage to keep myself awake. Hahah. I cannot wait till the 28/6/12 when I will have my first scan. My cousin who I shall refer to as Jie, says her gut feel is that I am pregnant with twins. Let's hope this is true! I cannot wait to start having my stomach filled with my growing babies rather than just air! Let me google and find out what the internet is saying about what happens to the other embryo if it's not twins.

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Ok, so most of the articles I came across said nothing would happen and they will just be reabsorbed into the body. This makes me think I should put a stop in thinking too much and I shall focus on the good instead! I'm really sleepy now and going to take some rest.

Take care friends,

J.

4 weeks into my pregnancy and I'm...

Feeling absolutely good! That is when I not awake and puking out my intestines and having breasts as huge as Venus. I feel like I'm this.. Only less sexy.

I'm happy to say that my morning sickness has confirmed started! I was going to meet my sis in law to buy food for Father's Day celebrations when I started to feel really sick in the car. I started retching on the expressway in the car and R had to quickly exit and stop at the side of the road so I could puke beside a tree. It was very unglamorous but I had to do it. It was quite funny after a while when you think about it. After meeting my SIL, she and her husband sat in our car and off we went to Chinatown to get dim sum. After a while of walking, we decided to take a break at one of the cafes where we bought pumpkin cake for my mother in law. My SIL and I started to take turns to yawn and boy was it funny. We were both complaining of tiredness, and you know, I actually slept in the afternoon and woke up at 4.30pm. It was around 6pm when we started yawning.

In fact, I am yawning away while typing this entry and if not for the fact that I overstuffed myself, I would have allowed myself to concuss on the bed. I'm not complaining about what is happening to me, rather I am happy to announce all these side effects of being pregnant! I have waited long enough to feel and experience pregnant and I am going to relish in each and every uncomfortable symptoms pregnancy throws at me. BRING IT ON!

And did I mention the backaches? Ok, abrupt end to the entry. I really must rest.

Goodnight and xoxo my sisters. May you have fun bonking tonight.

J.

Hurray!!!

KKH called and after verifying my NRIC number, the nurse congratulated me and told me I am indeed pregnant! HCG levels are at a healthy 510.2. (not sure what are the units) This led to husband, myself and family guessing if we're having twins. As of now, there seems to be some possibility so am praying the the best now.

I started searching online and came across a few interesting charts on the Beta values.

Here's the chart for singleton:

http://www.betabase.info/showBasicChart.php?type=Single

and here's the chart for multiples:

http://www.betabase.info/showBasicChart.php?type=Multiple

There's also an ivf due date calculator which is so fun to try (thanks to a sister in the forum)

http://www.ivf.ca/duedate.php

I also checked the chinese gender prediction chart for fun as well. Here's the link if you wanna have a go at it:

http://www.babygenderprediction.com/chinese-gender-chart.html

Symptoms for the day:

- mild cramping which seems to be subsiding
- painful and sore breasts, I swear if anyone touches them I will go bersek
- feeling super warm and feverish kind
- extra emotional. I actually cried while watching Magadascar
- hungry quite often

Speaking about being hungry, I actually cried last night when I realised that I was super hungry and there was nothing to eat except instant noodles. I think the hormones does really crazy things to you. Hahaha. I'm going to go home to Punggol for the weekend. Bella needs her exercise and I know she misses Sha Sha. We're planning to bring her to the dog run on Sunday so that she gets her much needed exercise and then back home to Jurong for rest. I have arranged for Bella to go over to Constance's place to play with Sha Sha while I head to KK to collect my medication. Then we will go over to my mother in law's place and have dinner with them in the evening.

For now, I am just sleepy and wanna get some rest. It has been a very difficult journey but I had overcome a huge hurdle!

xoxo,

J

Fear and excitement and a mixture of sleepiness.

I can't even begin to tell you how scared and excited I am for this blood test. Although pregnancy indicators have consistently showed that I am pregnant, this blood test tells us of the hcg levels and if it is doubling in numbers nicely. M stomach is all knotted up. I feel like puking, and the last time I felt this way was when I was sent by my ex company to take a stupid test that was crucial for me to pass so I can work. Not going to waste anymore time. Shower and off in a cab I go now. See you ladies later. In the meantime, please keep me in your prayers!

I day more to HCG test!

I will be lying if I said I am not a least bit worried or excited for my blood test tomorrow. I comfort myself in the knowledge that if all the tests show a positive, my HCG levels should be at a healthy range since it's an obvious dark line as compared to a faint barely there line. There are so many questions going through my head, but nothing I can ask anyone unless I know the results of the blood test tomorrow. I'm worried, what if the levels drop? What if it's not high enough? How will I cope?

Then I remember something a friend told me. "Don't second guess God's works." So I chill out abit and find something else to do rather than sit around and worry. I cannot tell you how emotionally draining this has been on me, and the fact that there's so much medication in my body, I wonder what's going to happen to me as I get older.

I don't ever wish for anyone to have to go through IVF unless absolutely necessary because it's so invasive and it's not cheap. I am lucky because R earns just enough for both of us so that I can quit my job and concentrate on the IVF. I have to cut back on some expenses and luxuries, but I tell myself it'll be all worth it when I carry my baby/babies.

I received a call today from a Recruiter I knew last month. She sent me for 1 interview and due to that company's headcount approval issues, they didn't get back to me on whether I had been selected or not. I did not bother to follow up because if it's meant to be mine they would have called and I was going to go through IVF anyway so timing seems just right to be a bummer. So now the issue that bothers me is if tomorrow's blood test goes well (which I hope will be) then most likely I will be turning down the offer because baby comes first. I worked so hard to get to this stage and I'm not about to jeopardise anything. This job requires me to work in a HR shared services centre. It is a highly stressful job which requires a lot of staying back late and it can be highly pressurising most of the time. So after thinking it though, I am most likely going to turn down the offer.

Anyway, I wish to thank you readers for giving me the motivation to come in and blog about stuff I wouldn't normally tell people. I have made a couple of great friends from the forum and I wish to keep their friendship going. I appreciate all the kind words and support you guys have given me. Without you sisters, it would have been a long and miserable 2ww.

Love you girls and I wish you all nothing but the best in your baby making journey.

xoxo,

J.

Acronyms and mind twisters

I'm sure if you're like me, who have been trying for a baby and busy stalking pregnancy forums, you would have come across a whole array of mind boggling acronyms used freely by the ladies. So to help you get through the conversations while understanding that alien language, I have searched and found a list of words commonly used in the forums.

AF - Aunt Flo
BCP - Birth Control Pills
BFP or BFN - Big Fat Positive or a Big Fat Negative
BW - Bloodwork
CD - Cycle Day
CM - Cervical Mucus
DE - Donor Eggs
DH - Darling Husband
DPR - Days Post Retrieval
DPT - Days Post Transfer
DS - Donor Sperm
DX - Diagnosis
ED - Egg Donor
FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer
FSH - Follicle-Stimulating Hormone
GS - Gestational Syrrogate
HCG - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
ICSI = Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection
IUI - Intrauterine Insemination
IVF - Invitro Fertilization
M/C - Miscarriage
MF - Male Factor
OHSS - Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
OPK - Ovulation Predictor Kit
PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
POAS - Peeing on a Stick
POF - Premature Ovarian Failure
PGD- Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis
Prog or P4 - Progesterone
PUPO - Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist
SA - Semen Analysis
TTC - Trying to Conceive
U/S - Ultrasound
Hopefully the above helps in deiphering the chats.

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I am counting down to the day of the blood test which is on Friday. I cannot wait for the final result and the hcg levels in my body. I cannot wait and wish I can fast forward time. I'm sure many of you will understand what I'm talking about.

My usual symptoms for today:

- very bad gastric pains in the morning, probably due to the acid reflux. Must go Watsons and buy Gaviscon later.
- some mild cramps on and off, nothing too painful but quite noticeable.
- a bit of nausea in the afternoon after eating half a bread.
- fatigue, I slept around 11 plus am and woke up at 3pm.
- hungry easily but couldn't eat much
- thirsty and warm
- painful boobies.
- bloated stomach
- strong smelling pee

I also forgot to add that around Day 10 after embryo transfer, I had lightning pains shooting within my lower abdomen area. They were painful enough to wake me up from sleep.

So now I am staying at my mum's place and since we have a helper, I have decided that we are going to make the chicken essence from scratch. Pics and instructions will be posted up once my grandma teaches us how to do it. If it is confirmed that I am indeed pregnant, I will do everything it takes to ensure a smooth and safe pregnancy for my baby/babies. I have waited far too long for this and I will do all I can to take care of myself. I cannot afford to be careless and do anything that may potentially harm the baby.

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As promised, here are some pictures of Bella growing up.

Bella's first week at our place.



Bella found sleeping in this position which we later found out is her fav position.

Bella in her bed with her toys and my tshirt so she will smell me and feel safe when sleeping at night.



Naughty Bella's guilty and sad face after being scolded for chewing wires.

Miss Pose-A-Lot

Hope you guys like the pictures. I love this baby to bits and hope you love her as much as I do!

xoxo,

J.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Warning: Long ass post ahead..

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RESPECT (noun)

- deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment

When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you. - Lao Tzu

You respect your teachers at school,
You respect the dead.
You respect your parents,
and someone who has been through loss.
You respect the elderly,
You respect authority, so why won't you respect your peers, or people who love you? People always take friends or even families for granted. It seems that it's easier to hurt someone who is close to you by the words that you say, than to hurt someone you have no connections with. A while ago, a good friend of mine said something via Facebook that showed me that everything was a competition for her. It had hurt me that I had been so careful with her feelings and I did not want to give her additional stress by sharing too much information. I respected her. I shared her hopes and dreams. But when she showed me that she wasn't able to provide the same support and happiness, I had to rethink our friendship. A friendship should work both ways, it's never a one way street.

Facebook has been both an excellent tool for rekindling friendships and a devastating tool for destroying the same. People most often misinterpret what you are trying to say. A simple sharing of a link can bring about a huge commotion on whether you are pregnant or not, or whether you are planning to adopt a dog if you had "liked" and "shared" the SPCA adoption drive. If you "liked" a breast cancer support group, people start asking you if you have cancer. Why can't people take words at face value and stop reading too much into the bits and pieces of information shared? Facebook to me is a place where I can keep in touch with friends, post interesting articles I read about and not forgetting, the games I play in Facebook!

Respect, is for the person who wishes to disclose whatever she wishes on her own Facebook page. Respect is also for the person who just had a loss and you don't ask her when is she trying again. Respect is not asking the widow when is she planning to date again. Respect is knowing someone is pregnant and not sharing the info with others until she herself has given the green light to share it. Some secrets are simply not yours to share and you should know better to share it. Neither is it your right to dictate if the person wishes to post about whatever is going on in her life on cyberspace. If you don't like it, don't bloody read it. If you don't wish to see posts from that person, block them, so you need not feel the compulsive desire to comment on their post. Just don't tell them what to post or what not to post on their facebook page. I have given my word to my friends in the forum that I will not be harping on this issue anymore. And this, I promise, will be the last time anyone reads about this issue. I have moved on, and so should you dear friend.

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Reflecting on IVF.

I think most of us who eventually chose to go through IVF are wow-ed by the number of success stories of people who conceive twins or a single baby from this process. When you decide to make that first step to seek treatment, you tell yourself you will be one of those success stories eventually and you get to be one of those smug pregnant woman to post their success stories on different forums and websites. What no one told you is the kind of emotional roller coaster ride that you will go through, the pain from the injections, the crazy hormones that makes you a raging bitch, and of course, the time and money spent each time you go to the clinic for a scan or to collect more medication.

IVF makes you a poorer person and turns into a green-eyed bitchy stiletto wearing monster. When you know someone else has conceived, you have mixed emotions about it. You feel, jealousy. Why not me? Why her? She didn't do charity work/yoga/take longan red date tea/didn't have as much injections/ a less important job.. etc.. (hai yah.. the list goes on) But on the other hand, you feel really happy and excited for them because they make up the statistics of successful couples and you could be one of them! You are happy because having a baby is a blessing and you know it all too well because you want it so much too. And then comes the well meaning friends and family who will flood you all the advices in the world. "Take it easy la, nice and slow" (this is my favourtite, especially when coming from someone who has just given birth, are expecting another or already have 4 children) "If you don't think about it, it will come naturally." (Really? so that means that all of us trying need only go for a holiday trip, relax, take it easy and not think about it. Then what's the use of having fertility clinics and specialists?)

 For the 1000000000 time you see a single line on the pee stick, you start to wonder if the sticks are expired/something wrong with your eyes/I didn't do it properly/I didn't soak it in my pee long enough etc. This stage is called D.E.N.I.A.L and when we have exhausted all our reasoning, we reach a stage I would like to call, M.E.N.T.A.L. B.R.E.A.K.D.O.W.N. This condition makes you want to crawl into bed and cry loudly, all the while clutching your empty stomach and rehashing what you have done wrong for the past 2 weeks. You blame yourself, maybe I didn't drink enough longan red date tea la, maybe I shouldn't have gone to the sauna, maybe I should have rested more blah blah blah. There is a never ending list of blames I can finish writing. Oh, did I mention the hormones makes you crazier than ever? Then when you are done with mental breakdown, you reach another stage - The I.S.I.M.P.L.Y.G.I.V.E.U.P stage. You start to justify the joys of not having a baby. You think, woah! I hae an additional $10000 to spend at the end of the year for a nice trip to God-knows-where and buy loads of clothes/bags/tacky souveniers etc. You tell yourself that compared to your married and 'tied down' friends, you are able to go anywhere you wish with your husband at the drop of the hat. You have nobody to answer to, no crying baby to worry about, and travelling as a couple is always cheaper. You gloat about your still perky breasts and the fact that you can sit down and have a nice quiet dinner instead of breastfeeding at the dinner table. Normally after 2 weeks, you will reach the I'M.G-O-I-N-G.T-O.T-R-Y.O-N-E.M-O-R-E.T-I-M-E stage and that's when you go crazy touching yourself to check on your cervical mucous, you chart your body temperature for the hundredth time and you pee on yet another kind of stick to see when you will ovulate. Then you text your husband and tell him "YOU BETTER COME HOME STRAIGHT AFTER WORK BECAUSE WE NEED TO HAVE SEX!" ( I really really did that to R.) Love making is simply never the same again. Oh, did I mention how you will shoo your husband off you IMMEDIATELY after sex because you need to close your legs tightly so his babies won't flow out/do a headstand/prop your legs against the wall till you feel pins and needles? You don't even wish to laugh or cough or pee for fear that all the efforts will go to a waste. You stay in that weird position for about 30 mins to an hour, all the while imagining little tadpoles swimming towards that 1 egg. And for the next 1 or 2 weeks, you are extra careful, walking slowly cause you don't wish to dislodge anything, checking yourself for any implantation bleeding, squeezing your boobs to see if it hurts and the classic, staring at the mirror so hard while asking your husband, do you think I look pregnant already? Oh yes, I have been through this for the past 5 years, so I know, it really isn't easy. Which is why when pregnant friends of mine start questioning why I need to go through IVF and not try naturally since I am so young, my response in my head rhymes with "go pluck yourself" But I am nice and generally tell them I wish for a more divine intervention to take over because love making is so last century. To my friends who are trying to conceive naturally, I wish nothing but the best for you because reading the below, you will know I don't wish IVF on someone else unless they ran out of choices.

So back to the IVF. It makes you put on weight. FAT. Many a times we wish that the additional fats from the stomach is because we are carrying a baby, but really, it's just you getting fat there. The hormones, mainly the Puregon and Pregnyl or whatever does really crazy things to your body. You eat like you have never eaten forever and you are ALWAYS hungry. You start craving for junk food and people start giving up their seats in the train for you. Strangers keep wanting to touch your tummy and ask you when you are due. You wish to slap them so hard, yet you are secretly grateful you got a seat on the train without being STOMPed (www.stomp.com.sg). I don't suggest slapping random strangers, but not being able to zip up your pants for the millionth time really makes you want to do the craziest things. Yoga pants and loose tunics are really my best friend for this period of time. God forbid someone tries to touch my stomach now, I'll literally chew their hands off. Oh, but the plus side to this, my breasts are sooo full and just BIG I look like Miss-Cum-To-Mama. Even her, that porn star will lose to my now glorious breasts. Did I already mention the costs? Be prepared to spend at least $10K - $16K if you are seeing a private specialist. Yes. You heard that right. $16 freaking thousand bucks. In KKH, I paid about $1K in cash and had the govt give me a $3K grant and I was $6K poorer in my medisave after the deduction. Add on more if you need a higher dosage of medication.

Let's not also forget about the bruises on your tummy. The ones that looks blue and black, sometimes green as they are healing. You start to resent your husband. Why isn't it him who needs to go through the jabs? Why only me? Why does he not have to have injections too? Why does he have it so easy, wanking into a specimen cup. Woo hoo! At least that was fun for him. Why must I do any housework? Why can't he do it? Am I not suffering enough? Did I already mention the crazy hormones? These above, tests even the strongest of marriage. If your husband isn't understanding towards you, all that will be left will be an empty house with you going down this long road, ALONE. Your husband might think that the pub near his workplace is his new refuge and will only choose to come back when you are asleep.

*side note* R is not like that. He is the ultra perfect understanding husband who even volunteered to wash the clothes and vacuum and mop the house. And he doesn't even drink.

Are you getting bored of me already? Ending liao la.

Sometimes you just wish to switch lives with the happy pregnant friend you stalk on facebook, the one whose husband bought her a Tiffany & Co bracelet to reward her for getting pregnant, and another Tiffany & Co necklace for the birth of their child. At times you wish you were back to the fun, spontaneous, adventurous and out going you, instead of someone who stays home and obsess over every symptom. You wish to be able to laugh again, to cry again, instead of being a robot baby making machine. You wish for a life not revolving around your next visit to the IVF clinic, your next scan, your next egg retrieval, your next embryo transfer. Well I tell you, take the time off, book yourself a nice hotel room, lounge in the sun, go clubbing but drink orange juice and most importantly, breathe. There's so much that's going around you, don't miss out on that. Find yourself again, put the fun into lovemaking instead of scheduling it. Have it in the living room, on the couch, in the shower, don't worry about anything else at least for that 1 day.

Breathe, and laugh again.

xoxo,

J.

Pantang, superstitions and myths.

When you announce that you are pregnant, well meaning friends and family will gather and tell you what you should or should not do.

Here's a list I have compiled based on research on the internet and from asking my mum and grandma. Some explanations are included, some not because I have no idea why.

1. Do not tell anybody you are pregnant until you passed the 1st trimester safety mark. This ensures that you don't miscarry and have to explain yourself again.

2. Do not allow anyone to pat you on your shoulder or butt while pregnant. Also something to do with miscarrying.

3. Always carry a sharp object when travelling out at night. A nail, scissors or a swiss army knife are some recommendations.

4. Do not stretch to take something higher than your head. Don't know why though.

5. Do not shift your marital bed - also somthing to do with miscarriages.

6. Do not paint your house if not your baby will have loads of birthmark patches on face or body.

7. Do not cut or sew on your bed. If you have to do it, you will need to ask your baby to go away. Again, I don't know what's the rationale behind it.

8. Do not sit opposite another pregnant lady or you will switch the sex of your baby. (I actually laughed at this because I don't know how possible is this.)

9. Don't eat crabs while pregnant if not your baby cannot stay still and keeps moving around.

10. Do not eat sotong because the umbilical cord will be tied around the baby's neck.

11. Don't watch any animal shows/documentaries with animals in it or your child will look like the animal.

12. Do not watch scary movies, you will get a shocked and your baby will look like whatever that shocked you.


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I think that's about it. If you all have any more superstitions, feel free to leave a comment and I'll add on to the list.

Symptoms for today:

- Waking up at 2plus 3am to pee and not being able to get back to sleep
- Strong smelling pee
- Hungry, all the time
- Sleepiness
- Sensitive nipples when touched
- Bloatedness
- Slight headache last night
- A bit of spotting last night and stopped today. (Kinda scary, but the cramps has let up, so back to bed rest)

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying for the best. Blood test on 15th will tell us whether or not we are pregnant or not!

xoxo,

J.

How you can be sooo happy one moment and be soooo depressed the next.

So I tested again on another HPT and got a BFN. No traces of lines whatsoever, even after 10 mins. I really don't know what to expect now. Yesterday's readings showed a faint line around 5 mins and got progressively darker. It has gotten to the point where it was so obvious today that you need not have to view it in the light to see the line. So I quickly texted my new friend, V and asked her what I should do. She suggested that Fortel's has the record of providing false positives and so I should test with a more reputable brand like Clearblue for example. So being the inquisitive me that I am, I read through countless of forums and came to these conclusions:

1. The Pregnyl has not completely left my body and today it has left, so no pregnancy hormones.

2. The Fortel's pregnancy kit is spoilt and showed me a false positive although they (people in other forums) said it is also unlikely.

3. I didn't wait enough hours between the last time I peed and tested 2 hours after my last pee in the afternoon, so not accurate. Should wait till Day 11 or Day 12 and test FMU.

4. I really am not pregnant.

I have made adjusted my emotions and although I am prepared for the worst, I am still hoping that I will be seeing 2 lines the next time I test.

Forgive me if I can't seem to bring myself to write more, I really don't have the mood to do so.

- J.

Things I do to keep myself sane.

If you are like me, who quit your job to focus on baby making full time, you will find the 2 week wait more excruciating than ever. So in order to keep myself sane, I have came up with a list of things I did while waiting for the final answer, pregnant or not.

1. Blogging - I have decided to create a blog so that when I eventually do get pregnant, I will be able to look back and praise myself for having the guts and perseverance to go through the IVF. I will also show the blog to my kids when they get older so they know how much their mama loves them.

2. Playing games on Facebook. I either play the Sims Social or Double Down Casino. When I get bored, I stalk other people's facebook page. Hahah.

3. I watch videos on youtube. It depends on mood really, somedays the cable on tv is enough to keep me occupied. This also includes watching dvds and taiwan/korean dramas.

4. My extremely tough but fun jigsaw puzzle. I have finished making the edges of the puzzle. Now I gotta start doing the middle portions.

5. Eat and sleep. I know I'm cheating when I say this, but I have been sleeping a lot more lately. The rest has done wonders for my eyes (I no longer have dark eye rings and huge eye bags) but it's not helping in my tummy area cause I feel like I am putting a lot more weight than usual.

6. Mahjong. I play Penang mahjong, you only need 3 people and the person who throws out the card for the other person to win pays for all.

7. Reading other people's signs and symptoms during their 2ww.

Come to think about it, this is what I've been doing for the past 2 weeks! No wonder I put on weight. So for today's symptoms:

I felt my boobies are still sore, I have weird sharp cramps that are a lot more obvious than yesterday. There's a tightness in my lower abdomen area and I feel warm and cranky as usual. This morning I felt a little nausea after taking the essence of chicken. I stopped eating durians and have also stopped the LRD tea as it's very warm and I don't wanna be too heaty. I also have back pains and feel the need to lie down more often. Still taking naps in the afternoon but have a lot of vivid dreams. Last night I even dreamt of having sex! Hahaha.. Don't wanna go into too much details, but I hope all these are signs of a pregnancy looming ahead!

I also wish to thank everybody who has been reading my blog. Readership has gone up from 20 to 290++ within a day. I know this may not be the most interesting blog in the cyberspace, but knowing that people are reading gives me a motivation to write better. I'll still be keeping it real, because ultimately, this is my personal journey to motherhood and I don't wanna lie or bullshit about any detail! So once again my readers. I hope whatever I have shared or am sharing helps you in one way or another!

So to reward you my readers, you guys shall be one of the first few people to know this. I just tested a faint positive on Fortels HPT. R and I are hoping this is it, and not a false positive. I nearly gave up when I didn't see anything but after about 5 minutes or so, a very distinct faint line appeared. Let's hope we are able to get a better indication soon. I am really praying for the best. Do keep me in your prayers my dears. And if you wish for me to say a prayer for you, just leave me a comment and I will say a little prayer for you before I go to bed.

Goodnight all and if you are going to be doing the deed tonight, remember to elevate those hips!

xoxo,

J.

Something not related to IVF (finally)

Mean post ahead. Do not read if you are someone who advocates extra marital affairs.

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I came across this post about a married lady confessing that she was seeing somebody else. She mentioned that she has a bad relationship with her husband and is planning to go through IVF. I try not to judge, but the truth is, I am really against having extra marital affairs. If it is something you need to hide from your husband, there may be something deeper to it than just being platonic friends. Personally I rather leave my husband if the marriage is going no where than to stay in a loveless quarrelsome marriage. It may be easy for me to say this, because I have no kids, but I would rather let my kid grow up in an environment full of love (which can be found in my family) than to see his parents fight everyday. Some may argue that the love from grandparents are not enough. But many kids don't have the luxury of having a complete set of parents and they still turn out well. I also think if the marriage is already in shambles and the lady has to find comfort with another man to maintain her sanity, then why go through IVF and bring in another child to the picture? I'd say, fix your marriage first before you bring another issue in.What do you girls think? I don't mean to be a prude and all that. I believe that men are wrong to have affairs or spend time away from their family while having fun at ktvs, but if the lady goes out and do the same thing, know that 2 wrongs don't make 1 right.

Ok, bitchy post will end for the day. Sorry if I offended anyone. Just that this is my blog and I can blog about whatever I want. And I also attribute the bitchiness to the cruelness of the 2 week wait. Heheh. =P

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Moving on to symptoms for the day. Sharp cramps on and off lasting for 1 sec each time felt in the lower abdomen today. I also felt af like cramps now while standing up. (I was feeling hungry so went to get some food and felt the cramps.) Neh nehs still feel sore and heavy. If according to my chart, my morula has implanted and now have placenta and fetal cells! For those who are ttc-ing and need something to visualise, you can view the video from Babycentre here. -->  http://www.babycenter.com.sg/video/pregnancy/weeks-1-to-9-pregnancy/  I really love watching the videos because it gives me an idea of how my embryo is progressing and something for me to imagine my embryos doing their thing in my womb. Hope it serves as something educational for you ladies too!

1dpt .. embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells 8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Besides this, I also feel hungry very often, pimples are still there and feeling very very warm. But I attribute the last point to the weather.

I have made a decision. I'm going to buy a test kit either today or tomorrow and test on day 11 which is on the 11th of June! Let's hope that day is my lucky day for me. If anyone is reading my blog, please leave me a comment or something so that I know I am blogging for people to read and not only to myself. Hahaha.


xoxo,

J.