Warning: Long ass post ahead..
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RESPECT (noun)
- deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment
When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or
compete, everybody will respect you. - Lao Tzu
You respect your teachers at school,
You respect the dead.
You respect your parents,
and someone who has been through loss.
You respect the elderly,
You respect authority, so why won't you respect your peers, or people who love you? People always take friends or even families for granted. It seems that it's easier to hurt someone who is close to you by the words that you say, than to hurt someone you have no connections with. A while ago, a good friend of mine said something via Facebook that showed me that everything was a competition for her. It had hurt me that I had been so careful with her feelings and I did not want to give her additional stress by sharing too much information. I respected her. I shared her hopes and dreams. But when she showed me that she wasn't able to provide the same support and happiness, I had to rethink our friendship. A friendship should work both ways, it's never a one way street.
Facebook has been both an excellent tool for rekindling friendships and a devastating tool for destroying the same. People most often misinterpret what you are trying to say. A simple sharing of a link can bring about a huge commotion on whether you are pregnant or not, or whether you are planning to adopt a dog if you had "liked" and "shared" the SPCA adoption drive. If you "liked" a breast cancer support group, people start asking you if you have cancer. Why can't people take words at face value and stop reading too much into the bits and pieces of information shared? Facebook to me is a place where I can keep in touch with friends, post interesting articles I read about and not forgetting, the games I play in Facebook!
Respect, is for the person who wishes to disclose whatever she wishes on her own Facebook page. Respect is also for the person who just had a loss and you don't ask her when is she trying again. Respect is not asking the widow when is she planning to date again. Respect is knowing someone is pregnant and not sharing the info with others until she herself has given the green light to share it. Some secrets are simply not yours to share and you should know better to share it. Neither is it your right to dictate if the person wishes to post about whatever is going on in her life on cyberspace. If you don't like it, don't bloody read it. If you don't wish to see posts from that person, block them, so you need not feel the compulsive desire to comment on their post. Just don't tell them what to post or what not to post on their facebook page. I have given my word to my friends in the forum that I will not be harping on this issue anymore. And this, I promise, will be the last time anyone reads about this issue. I have moved on, and so should you dear friend.
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Reflecting on IVF.
I think most of us who eventually chose to go through IVF are wow-ed by the number of success stories of people who conceive twins or a single baby from this process. When you decide to make that first step to seek treatment, you tell yourself you will be one of those success stories eventually and you get to be one of those smug pregnant woman to post their success stories on different forums and websites. What no one told you is the kind of emotional roller coaster ride that you will go through, the pain from the injections, the crazy hormones that makes you a raging bitch, and of course, the time and money spent each time you go to the clinic for a scan or to collect more medication.
IVF makes you a poorer person and turns into a green-eyed bitchy stiletto wearing monster. When you know someone else has conceived, you have mixed emotions about it. You feel, jealousy. Why not me? Why her? She didn't do charity work/yoga/take longan red date tea/didn't have as much injections/ a less important job.. etc.. (hai yah.. the list goes on) But on the other hand, you feel really happy and excited for them because they make up the statistics of successful couples and you could be one of them! You are happy because having a baby is a blessing and you know it all too well because you want it so much too. And then comes the well meaning friends and family who will flood you all the advices in the world. "Take it easy la, nice and slow" (this is my favourtite, especially when coming from someone who has just given birth, are expecting another or already have 4 children) "If you don't think about it, it will come naturally." (Really? so that means that all of us trying need only go for a holiday trip, relax, take it easy and not think about it. Then what's the use of having fertility clinics and specialists?)
For the 1000000000 time you see a single line on the pee stick, you start to wonder if the sticks are expired/something wrong with your eyes/I didn't do it properly/I didn't soak it in my pee long enough etc. This stage is called D.E.N.I.A.L and when we have exhausted all our reasoning, we reach a stage I would like to call, M.E.N.T.A.L. B.R.E.A.K.D.O.W.N. This condition makes you want to crawl into bed and cry loudly, all the while clutching your empty stomach and rehashing what you have done wrong for the past 2 weeks. You blame yourself, maybe I didn't drink enough longan red date tea la, maybe I shouldn't have gone to the sauna, maybe I should have rested more blah blah blah. There is a never ending list of blames I can finish writing. Oh, did I mention the hormones makes you crazier than ever? Then when you are done with mental breakdown, you reach another stage - The I.S.I.M.P.L.Y.G.I.V.E.U.P stage. You start to justify the joys of not having a baby. You think, woah! I hae an additional $10000 to spend at the end of the year for a nice trip to God-knows-where and buy loads of clothes/bags/tacky souveniers etc. You tell yourself that compared to your married and 'tied down' friends, you are able to go anywhere you wish with your husband at the drop of the hat. You have nobody to answer to, no crying baby to worry about, and travelling as a couple is always cheaper. You gloat about your still perky breasts and the fact that you can sit down and have a nice quiet dinner instead of breastfeeding at the dinner table. Normally after 2 weeks, you will reach the I'M.G-O-I-N-G.T-O.T-R-Y.O-N-E.M-O-R-E.T-I-M-E stage and that's when you go crazy touching yourself to check on your cervical mucous, you chart your body temperature for the hundredth time and you pee on yet another kind of stick to see when you will ovulate. Then you text your husband and tell him "YOU BETTER COME HOME STRAIGHT AFTER WORK BECAUSE WE NEED TO HAVE SEX!" ( I really really did that to R.) Love making is simply never the same again. Oh, did I mention how you will shoo your husband off you IMMEDIATELY after sex because you need to close your legs tightly so his babies won't flow out/do a headstand/prop your legs against the wall till you feel pins and needles? You don't even wish to laugh or cough or pee for fear that all the efforts will go to a waste. You stay in that weird position for about 30 mins to an hour, all the while imagining little tadpoles swimming towards that 1 egg. And for the next 1 or 2 weeks, you are extra careful, walking slowly cause you don't wish to dislodge anything, checking yourself for any implantation bleeding, squeezing your boobs to see if it hurts and the classic, staring at the mirror so hard while asking your husband, do you think I look pregnant already? Oh yes, I have been through this for the past 5 years, so I know, it really isn't easy. Which is why when pregnant friends of mine start questioning why I need to go through IVF and not try naturally since I am so young, my response in my head rhymes with "go pluck yourself" But I am nice and generally tell them I wish for a more divine intervention to take over because love making is so last century. To my friends who are trying to conceive naturally, I wish nothing but the best for you because reading the below, you will know I don't wish IVF on someone else unless they ran out of choices.
So back to the IVF. It makes you
put on weight. FAT. Many a times we wish that the additional fats from the stomach is because we are carrying a baby, but really, it's just you getting fat there. The hormones, mainly the Puregon and Pregnyl or whatever does really crazy things to your body. You eat like you have never eaten forever and you are ALWAYS hungry. You start craving for junk food and people start giving up their seats in the train for you. Strangers keep wanting to touch your tummy and ask you when you are due. You wish to slap them so hard, yet you are secretly grateful you got a seat on the train without being STOMPed (
www.stomp.com.sg). I don't suggest slapping random strangers, but not being able to zip up your pants for the millionth time really makes you want to do the craziest things. Yoga pants and loose tunics are really my best friend for this period of time. God forbid someone tries to touch my stomach now, I'll literally chew their hands off. Oh, but the plus side to this, my breasts are sooo full and just BIG I look like Miss-Cum-To-Mama. Even her, that porn star will lose to my now glorious breasts. Did I already mention the costs? Be prepared to spend at least $10K - $16K if you are seeing a private specialist. Yes. You heard that right. $16 freaking thousand bucks. In KKH, I paid about $1K in cash and had the govt give me a $3K grant and I was $6K poorer in my medisave after the deduction. Add on more if you need a higher dosage of medication.
Let's not also forget about the bruises on your tummy. The ones that looks blue and black, sometimes green as they are healing. You start to resent your husband. Why isn't it him who needs to go through the jabs? Why only me? Why does he not have to have injections too? Why does he have it so easy, wanking into a specimen cup. Woo hoo! At least that was fun for him. Why must I do any housework? Why can't he do it? Am I not suffering enough? Did I already mention the crazy hormones? These above, tests even the strongest of marriage. If your husband isn't understanding towards you, all that will be left will be an empty house with you going down this long road, ALONE. Your husband might think that the pub near his workplace is his new refuge and will only choose to come back when you are asleep.
*side note* R is not like that. He is the ultra perfect understanding husband who even volunteered to wash the clothes and vacuum and mop the house. And he doesn't even drink.
Are you getting bored of me already? Ending liao la.
Sometimes you just wish to switch lives with the happy pregnant friend you stalk on facebook, the one whose husband bought her a Tiffany & Co bracelet to reward her for getting pregnant, and another Tiffany & Co necklace for the birth of their child. At times you wish you were back to the fun, spontaneous, adventurous and out going you, instead of someone who stays home and obsess over every symptom. You wish to be able to laugh again, to cry again, instead of being a robot baby making machine. You wish for a life not revolving around your next visit to the IVF clinic, your next scan, your next egg retrieval, your next embryo transfer. Well I tell you, take the time off, book yourself a nice hotel room, lounge in the sun, go clubbing but drink orange juice and most importantly, breathe. There's so much that's going around you, don't miss out on that. Find yourself again, put the fun into lovemaking instead of scheduling it. Have it in the living room, on the couch, in the shower, don't worry about anything else at least for that 1 day.
Breathe, and laugh again.
xoxo,
J.
