A letter to my babies.

Dear babies,

When you are old enough, mummy will show both of you this blog. This is mummy and daddy's journey to having the both of you as our children. I hope, that after reading this, you know that it is out of so much love from the both of us, that we welcome you to our family.

For some people, having babies is as easy as counting 1,2,3. It was not the case for us. We have tried everything within our capabilities, and yet after many months of constant disappointment and tears we have decided to seek external help. It wasn't easy. Doctor said mummy has PCOS. It means that I don't ovulate every month.If I don't ovulate, there's no target for daddy's sperms to swim to. So I was given medication to ovulate. This medication was said to cause ovarian cancer if taken for a long duration, but I was not scared. I only thought of the present, which is to ovulate so that mummy can be pregnant (if daddy's sperm reaches the target). Mummy had to go through so many rounds of blood test and internal examinations, each even more uncomfortable than the last. But I pushed on, because I wanted you. Doctors gave me more medication and those medication made me put on even more weight. I was nauseous and constantly had hot flushes and fainting spells, but it didn't stop me. Each month I would pray that this is it, I will be pregnant, but when my period came, I would sit on the toilet and shed tears of frustration and helplessness. People said I should try tcm. So I tried. We queued for hours to see a sinseh. I was given packets of herbs to bring home. Bach home, I boiled herbs which tasted bitter and unpleasant. I drank all of it telling myself that the herbs might help, that it was the cure to whatever infertility problem I had. At the hospital, Daddy had to provide sperm samples for analysis and it was very unpleasant for him to have to do it. But still, we didn't give up. We held hands and we pushed on, with daddy encouraging me whenever I felt like giving up.

Eventually the doctor said we should try IUI. It is a procedure where the doctor inserts daddy's sperm into mummy's cervix and hope they will swim as fast as they can to fertilise the egg. Still, it didn't work. Doctor said I was ready to proceed with more invasive methods. This led us to IVF. We didn't have much time to really digest this idea because my period came within the next week and we had to start the treatment on day 2 of my period. Mummy had to go through half a month or so of injections. I would not be honest if I said it didn't hurt. I had bruises all over my tummy, I was bloated and was tired all the time. But I prayed very hard. I asked God to be with me every step of the way. I leaned on God. He and daddy were my strength. Your Lola and Gong Gong were very nice to mummy. They wanted me to eat right, so they asked me to move back home so that they could take care of me. I am after all, their precious daughter and they must love me as much as I love you both. I would snuggle in bed with your Lola and tell her how painful the injections are. But I kept telling her and myself that as long as I can be pregnant, all this will be worth it. Maybe it had been God's plan all this while, for me to be pregnant with twins, hence leading me to IVF. I rested in everybody's love, especially in God's love, knowing that God is holding my hand and guiding me though this treatment. After the doctor extracted the eggs, they fertilised it with daddy's sperm and put it back to me. They showed us the 2 little embryos to be inserted into me. I thought you were so cute already and I loved you right from the beginning. I prayed that if God didn't want this pregnancy to happen, then I wouldn't be pregnant and then have to go through a miscarriage. Then I got greedy. I told God I couldn't bear losing any of you, so I prayed and prayed and prayed. But I knew that it is God's will and not mine. So I believed. I believed it will happen. I talked to both of you everyday, sending positive thoughts and hoping you both will stick. And as God would allow, I got pregnant with the both of you.

Everybody around us celebrated the pregnancy. But this pregnancy is not without any struggles. I puked and spent time with my head in the toilet vomiting. I suffered from indigestion, pimples outbreak and even more weight gain. But I am happy. I am very happy as I am typing this letter to you. Today, we celebrate the 12th week of my pregnancy. We have made it this far babies. My only hope for you both now is that you will be strong and healthy and grow as well as you possibly can. Know that all of us love you both so much already and we cannot wait for the day we can hold you in our arms.

I look forward to seeing you little ones on the 10th. Say hi to mummy and daddy while we peek into your little world. Show me your kicks and flips and somersaults. Show off to daddy and mummy and make us laugh, we love seeing you move around while being scanned. Once again, I love you both so much, and I haven't met you yet. But the day will soon come and you will read this e-letter. And you will know that we love you so much already.

- J.