The joys and woes of pregnancy.

"A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside.  When a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone."

I don't know who else is still reading my blog as I had been too lazy and tired to blog frequently. I'm on bed rest, yet again. This is because on Monday night I had heavy bleeding which landed me in the 24hrs O&G. I was given an injection and told to rest at home. On Tuesday morning, I woke up to pee and had fresh red blood coming out of me instead. This time I was less hysterical and told myself to stay calm for the babies. R took urgent leave from work and rushed over to mum's place to bring me back to the hospital. I was trying to remain calm but broke down when the doctor on duty said this was a threatened miscarriage. I think it's the word miscarriage or the mere thought of losing my babies that really freaked me out. I cannot put in words the kind of fear I felt, but I can only tell you that at that point, I was close to losing my composure. I kept sending good loving thoughts to babies and told them that I love them so so much and that I cannot handle it if they were to leave me. This probably helped, because despite the bleeding, they continue to have strong heartbeats and during the viability scan, they were dancing in the water bag and putting on a great show for us. One even seemed to wave at us as if to say "look mummy, we are fine! Don't you worry!" The happiness I felt when seeing their heartbeats and moving around is so great I felt as if nothing could touch us.

I was asked to lie in bed and was only given toilet privilege. Bleeding continued but i seemed to taper off and got lesser. I was actually enjoying my stay until, in the middle of the night, another patient was wheeled into the bed beside me. Apparently she is having a miscarriage and was losing her baby as her body is expelling it out of her. It was traumatising to hear the conversations between her and the doctor which because it's so loud I could hear snippets of it. Some of it included "oh, let me see the clot, it could be the water bag." Ok, FML. I really didn't need to hear such things, not when I am trying to assure myself that THAT wouldn't be happening to me. No way cause my babies and I are fighters and we will push on!

But looking at the bright side, during this visit to the hospital, I was scanned everyday so I got to see babies everyday for quite a while. It's because they have to do very detailed scans to ensure that the babies are fine. I was so happy to see that babies have grown so much! I could already see the outline of their bodies and visible hands and legs which seem to kick and move around so often! Regardless of what time the scan is, babies are always moving. So I am holding on to the reassurance I am getting from both of them. It's like they are saying "mummy, daddy, we're ok. Look we're moving! This always brings a smile to my face knowing that they are fine. My papi was so excited that he kept wanting to see the scan pictures. He took great delight in seeing their little hands and legs and kept saying the one who's moving more is definitely a boy and the more chillax one is definitely a girl. R and I also have the same feeling, because the more active one was the one who waved and put on a great show for us during scans. We concluded that he will be the more mischievous one and will be my favourite. R said the chillax one will be his favourite because she will be quiet and easy to handle. Hahaha. I said that the chillax one might bore me, so I definitely will have more fun with the active one. But we shall see. I love them both so much equally I am amazed that it is even possible with me. I know its a bit too early to read to them but I have since started so that they know their mummy is always with them. I took out my old "Childcraft encyclopedia" which has nursery rhymes to read to the babies. This is my first and last set of encyclopedia which I love so much which was given to me by my daddy, who would have bought me everything in the world I ask for if he had the means. His gift to me is a gift of reading, which helped me greatly because I never needed to study hard for English as the language itself came naturally to me. I hope that this will also be a gift for my children as they grow so they would learnt to love books as much as I do.

We'll be going for the OSCAR scan on the 10th August and before that will be seeing Dr Lau probably to follow up on the bleeding episode. I hope by then everything will be ok already and I can fully enjoy myself at the scan. I only pray for healthy babies at this point of time, which is really all I ask from God now. So God, if you are also reading this, please please please answer my prayer by ensuring the safety of the two babies in me. Thanks!

- J.